FOR THE BOYS: Ditch the skirt
by Sarah Milstead
UHCLIDIAN STAFF

In the interest of equality, I've spent a considerable amount of time creating the male version of issue four's list of reasons to kick a guy to the curb. I've racked my brain to come up with the best reasons to dump a girl, and that's no easy task - my brain hits back.

I've seen guys saddled with the kind of girlfriends that make Saddam Hussein look like a well-intentioned elected official. You know the ones I mean - the girls that make happiness a crime punishable by guilt and a long hiatus on the couch.

I realize there are plenty of reasons to dump a girl faster than she can ask, "Does this make me look fat?" (A note to the wise here: never look before you say "No").

From the clingers to the whiners to the militant and hostile, there are plenty of girls you should drop faster than a copy of Yanni's greatest hits.

So in the interest of fairness, here are the Top 10 Reasons to Ditch Your Skirt:

10) She clings like static and whines like merlot.
9) Her idea of a good time is a double date with her parents at a chick-flick marathon.
8) Her last name is Bobbitt.
7) She thinks his and hers matching outfits are a good way to show how much you care.
6) She goes to sleep with tin foil on her head in case "they land."
5) She's head of a movement to reunite the New Kids on the Block.
4) Her personal idol is Anna Nicole Smith.
3) Her favorite movie is "Fatal Attraction," and she always laughs at the bunny scene.
2) People constantly mistake her for Carrot Top, and it ain't because her hair is red.
1) People aren't mistaken - she is Carrot Top.

Disclaimer: Neither the columnist nor the UHCLIDIAN will be held accountable should this list result in emotional trauma or heartache.

Questions pertaining to any odd quirks, idiosyncrasies or habits not addressed in this column probably aren't worth worrying about.

Those with a history of high blood pressure and those taking prescription medications should not use this list.

Should a rash develop, discontinue use of this list and immediately contact poison control.

In clinical studies, most side effects to this list were mild to moderate and included: dry mouth, incontinence, barking and irrational cravings for Spam, not necessarily in that order.

Consult your physician before using this or any other top 10 list.

This top 10 list has not been regulated by the FDA and is not intended to diagnose, treat or cure any disease.

It's just another service of your friendly campus paper.

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